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I won’t lie - recovery’s a bitch. You will feel awful, and ‘fat’, and like giving up, a lot of the time. 

But that’s only to be expected.

Living hurts, but living is living, growing, being real.

Being stuck in disorder? That’s not real. That’s not worth it.

Recovery is always worth it. Life is always worth it. 

Such a true quote.

(Source: leilockheart)

The eve of my 1 year Anniversary

One year ago I was in a hotel waiting to have surgery the next day, I thought it would be nothing major, but little did I know my life would change.

I hope to highlight some of those big days for me in the coming year. Although I don’t know how tomorrow will go for me, right now I already feel the panic setting in, and that tears not far behind.

But for now I will wait to go see fireworks tonight in the heat and post some photos of the fun I had the day before surgery.

We went to the Botanical Garden in St. Louis. I am acting as part of the Lewis and Clark expedition.

Driving away

Me and a Chihuly sculpture


Friends, not my strongest suit, but something I have always had and thought was important. I had issues with friends keeping them, having enough and much more. So when I was diagnosed cancer my relationship with friends changed. I was “sick” now and death was in the lexicon of world that might come up. But I didn’t think I would become a person with the plague.

For starters it doesn’t help that all of my friends are long distance friends, they live up to 3 hours away and farther. So my seeing them to tell them was not a possibility. So telling my friends I had cancer was not fun at all, all my friends were shocked, but they quickly came back with “you can beat this” or “kick cancers ass”, but those words did not come until I reassured them and let them know I was positive and going to be fine. When I really didn’t know how I was, or if I would be fine. I wanted them to come and visit me, to come to my rescue, but they didn’t.

I have always gone out of my way for friends and others, but now I needed others and they were no where to be found. And that is how it has been, almost a year from my telling friends I have cancer and I still have to go out of my way, no one has come to visit me, all I get are little texts, maybe a phone call, but that is it.

I have even lost my best friend, some one I knew for five years, stood by her during some tough things, but she is no where for me. I haven’t heard from her in weeks, and I just don’t want to fight it.

And I know it is scary, especially because at my age we feel invincible, the world is our oyster. We are in college, and then starting new careers, and to learn a friend has cancer can really shake you. And well it shakes the person it is happening too. 

So don’t run for the hills, or distance yourself, but as a friend do what you can. Ask how you can help, take them to treatments, ask them to explain what you don’t know. Tell them you are scared but want to help how ever they think you can.

Just be there. Enjoy the ride.

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